the moment

this is the moment when i'm happy. really happy.
i've got ella on,
a new happy phone that makes me feel important,
things to do,
warm coffee i can smell (smells like hazelnut)
plans to see/talk to people
i feel loved and all of it

still raining, still dreaming

RULES:
1. Put your MP3 player or ipod on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS

If someone says is this okay, you say?
When the night comes down

How would you describe yourself?
untamed girls

What do you like in a boy?
this boy (whoa pattern)

How do you feel today?
start me up

What's your motto?
just another rhumba.

What do your friends think of you?
break me

what do your parents think of you?
Little wing

What do you think about very often?
tonight i'm burning

what do you think of the person you like?
i wanna hold your hand

What is your life story?
i could write a book

What do you want to do when you grow up?
tuck me in

What do you think when you see the person you like?
yesterday

What will they play at your wedding?
i can't do it alone

What will they play at your funeral?
call it love (techno?wtf)

What is your biggest fear?
while my guitar gently weeps

What is your biggest secret?
just squeeze me (but don't tease me)

What do you think of your friends?
cheek to cheek

What will you post this as?
still raining, still dreaming

back in the day

i was happiest between 8th and 9th grade. everything happened to me that year, and i mean everything.
everyone loved me and i was the favorite...
ive never seen anything like it since, even towards other people.
it confuses me and makes me wonder if i was seeming like the good girl i thought i was

strange!love

its odd that once someone whom i truly love takes leave for a few days
the first phone call from someone i havent seen in awhile happens
it's a heartfelt confession, guard down, at 2 in the morning
they slur that i'm special to them, they miss me, can we please see each other tomorrow?

i tell them the truth

the very next day another person i've not seen in awhile somehow returns
and says
"i fucking love you"
though i dont believe it.

where is mine

i use 15 different websites...

...to express some creativity.

pet peeves: when someone says "brb" and doesnt come back for at least twenty minutes

people who bump into you and say "my bad" instead of "excuse me" or "i'm sorry"

hypocrites (big pet peeve)

people who feel the need to treat others like shit. (in this case, i will go off about someone if theyre being horrible to a friend)

there are so many more but those just came to mind

spare me the details

it's a great song by the offspring. i like the lyrics, the rhythm, everything. it has nothing to do with what's going on in my life right now, but it feels good to sing.

i don't know, i'm filled with an urge to write, photograph, create anything. i'm feeling crafty. i want my blog to become interesting and maybe even well known someday
hmm hmm hmm, how could i possibly do that? i think i'll like update my mspace and be the next tila tequila.

my boyfriend is out having fun somewhere, can;t i stir up a little fun for myself?

hmm hmm hmm
still thinking!

negatives

these negatives need to be flushed out of my body so i can be a good person. this is really for a bunch of people...

i'm not at all impressed by you
you're a complete asshole to me and all i've ever been is nice. why is it that i have to do all the right things, and never make mistakes? i wish i didnt have free will, i wish i was ignorant. a pretty little fool, that's what i want to be. then it would be a guarentee that i would be happy and get everything i want.
what you do- it isnt worth anything. it's so simple, a monkey could do it. you think you're all high and mighty, better than me. you arent
and whats worse is that i cant get any recognition from people that i'm adequate. the truth is, i am adequate, moreso. but i need someone to tell me, otherwise i don't think it's true.
i need goddamn outlet.

things got really dangerous just now, and i dont have anyone to protect me from myself. technology is not such a good thing, because while you can contact more people faster, you're still alone. in an emergency, you're alone, and no one will tell the people you know to help.

people dont understand the pressure that's on me. i pretend like i dont care, but if i didnt, i wouldnt freak the fuck out all the time. i really just want someone to talk to and listen, but you know what? everyone is so far away. in all honesty, i dont know what to do. i need advice. i need help, and i shouldnt have to go further than one person to get it. when that person cant give it, what am i supposed to do? the more people you tell, the more you're admitting that there is a problem, and the problem gets bigger.


i shouldnt have to beg for anyones help. but when i do, i better goddamn get it, or what is the person worth at all?

what words to i have to emphasize to get some attention, some live-saving advice. soon, it will be live saving. the person i've got now for this would sooner let me die than concede to me that they were wrong.

who deserves that

no one.

lover

i do not feel affection for anyone or anything at this moment

and it doesnt make me feel bad at all



its indifference

my eyes wont focus

and i feel less rejected, more released

summer storm

it's all a farce sometimes!

i hate losing things.

i want to BE a thunderstorm.

realization

i used to be a bad person.
wow... it's hard to see me doing things i did now... simply because i'm told i'm good.
if i was not told i was good,
i certainly wouldnt be.

why are things so drastically different now than they used to be?
i never wanted to grow up.

i never do these on facebook

What is your best friend's Mom's name? Margie
Where is the weirdest place you have a mole? I have one on my heel...
Who was the hottest teacher you ever had? Uh. female teachers?
Have you ever made out in a movie theater? Da.
What body part do you wash first? my legs usually...
Do you have any peircings? just my lobes once
What's the strangest talent you have? i make really weird faces. mostly because i taught myself how to frown by using a mirror like a year ago (couldn't before that.)
Do you have an innie or an outtie? Innie
What's your favorite flavored Pringles? normal....
Have you ever been tied up? tied up as in busy? oh yes. tied up as in by a belt around my hangs and legs? oh yes.
What was the last thing you ever got grounded for? being bitchy probably.
Do you parallel park or drive around the block? ah. i dont drive.
Have you ever had two dates in one night? No
How many times have you been cussed out? a few times i guess...but it was more venting that directed toward me.
Which shoe do you put on first? right
How old are you?17
Have you ever been to a gay bar? ah, no
Is there one thing all of your ex's have had in common? completely devoted to me?
Did you french kiss before you were 16? Oui
Have you ever been cow-tipping or snipe-hunting? Non.
Who is the last person you think about before you fall asleep? JR.
Have you ever had a poem or a song written about you? ja.
Have you ever found anything gross in your parent's bedroom? no...bugs?
What was your childhood nickname? boo bear
When is the last time you played the air guitar? i'm not sure...i don't really partake in that.
Have you ever peeked in the opposite sexes locker room? yes, but without anyone in there.
What's the weirdest thing you have done while driving? i dont drive...but i do play pididdle
Have you ever bitten your toenails? nope.
How do you normally eat your cookies? with milk?
When working out at the gym, do you wear a belt? why would i wear a belt...
Name something you do when you're alone? DANCE.
How many drinks does it take before you get drunk? depends on the drink...
Have you ever sniffed an animal's butt? no?
How often do you clean out your ears? once a week maybe...?
Do you scrunch or fold your toilet paper? TMI
About how many times a day do you pick a wedgie? tmi
Do you have any strange phobias? i don't like locked doors...
Have you ever stuck a foreign object up your nose? no
What is the stupidest thing you've ever done at a bar? I haven't gone to a bar
Have you ever been dared to do something you totally regretted? unfortunately
Have you ever called your bf/gf by another girl/guys name? almost.
Have you ever played naked twister? ah... no?
Have you ever been drunk at work? no...
Have you ever found your gf/bf's sibling more attractive? i had to think about this one. no...i don't think so.
Do you want to bring sexy back? sexy is fine where it is.

On my desk

i see you mini buddhas
On my dark desk.
Smiling and fat, one of you has a piece
missing.
Are you plastic, wood?
That shade of burgandy doesn't seem too natural...
Of course i love you!
i didn't forget you...
You can breathe now since you've come out of the jewelry box.

wee-oo wee-oo

how would you like
a complete!
180 degrees
maybe even...
literally. i will turn from your form: exactly
one hundred
and eighty degrees
no more no less
on my heel, leaving you
in the dust

mostly because i am not satisfactory to really anyone at the moment. perhaps i'll try going 20-30 degrees in a different directions- but you you special person, deserve it all! and you know that you do

ch-ch-ch-changes

things are changing. i can feel it in the air. spring is definately on its way and soon the changes will happen full force.

it comes from looking at myself and not being unhappy, but not being completely satisfied that my personality is showing. i'm starting to care more about my appearance again, although i'm not sure why. i'm also trying to revive my social life. i find that i can be social but most often i choose not to and just observe. someone important in my life would probably not recognize me based on my actions with a crowd of people. i dont know if i've always been this observant, i feel like i was always the center of attention.

being the center of attention is not difficult. i did it best when i knew everyone or most people around me. but now i have one person who devotes days at a time to thinking about me and needing everyone else to look at me is...well, less of a priority. but it's fun. i liked being flirty and fun, having people text me all the time, having over 8 IM boxes going at once, all from boys. maybe since the senior class is gone things have changed.

i can think of maybe five people who i've completely stopped talking to. some moved away to pursue higher education, some always were far away, some got into relationships. but...how do i get these friendships back? i always take the initiative. i've gotten kind of lazy i guess. it takes two to keep a friendship going and i havent kept up my end of the deal...

goddamn. i need to call some people. i feel like since the summer of last year to that fall i just didn't appear to everyone as the same person. and it sucks... like...god. i miss my friends.

sleepy

oy oy oy i am very tired but i want to write...
i've been writing sehr viel in class, at times just going and going and going. then getting off topic but not caring, just continuing as the thoughts enter my head. it's pretty neat-o.

i hate finals...i hate having so much to do and its not fun so i don't want to do it....i doubt that i'll be prepared for these finals. dammit.

cranky

i will loathe all compeition
and destroy if necessary