just a puddle of goo

i sicken myself...i've fallen for real! i held out so long, sooo long and its all over, i've lost. love has won, i'm one of the masses that can't stop thinking about one single person.

augh, i will remain bekka, i promise that.

come on and play with us

i feel like people are calling me from outside my window to come out and play. i want to go out and play but i can't...i'm not allowed out!

i love listening to jazz and having my back rubbed and being so close to someone i can hear their heartbeat. god. how intimate it is listening to someone's heart thump thump thump. you've gotten through that physical boundary. you're in their bubble. and they trust you. so much comes down to trust, whether it be blind and oblivious, or intentionally tearing down the walls. it's trust. you can't sell trust you can't buy it, it has to be earned. i can't decide whether people are giving up trust to early or not. i love earning it and being held, i just as vunerable as they.

the simplest things have given me pleasure lately. and the complex things are difficult and just so easy to ignore...to put off until another day...

such a tease. except to the one that came back. i fell so hard and so quick for that one that it was he who teased me...i like being tricky but only if it's in good fun, i'd cry if i actually hurt someone.

thing's i've come to realize

don't take people's actions seriously when they're drunk. they may act one way but actually feel another way

there's a sneaky person in my life who dropped off the map for awhile then contacted me out of the blue and i'm not adequately prepared to talk to them

night is the best time of day, but you can never really remember much of what happens, which blows.

i like to drive fast...

some anonymous messages

i know most of these will never find their origins. ah, well.

90's soap opera: dude take a chill pill. i want to be there for you because you act like you're hiding the fact that you're unhappy. it's okay! if i were in your situation, i'd do the exact same thing and it would probably be a sobfest on the daily.

coal-eyes: i hope things work about between you and that girl. you deserve it. i want to know you better, and then maybe decide if i should like you. as of right now you're an attractive smile. i'm really not that pressed about you.

ArnoldFriend: you're going to become just like the guy in that story if you don't watch where you're going. you have the potential to be nice, why cant i get to see it? you'll just be an old fiend hiding behind a mask, stealing little girls from their homes

Tyrant: i don't really hate you. i hate what you do, and the way you talk to me, and the way you and your friends scrutinize me and pretend that i don't see. but i understand that you're not as mature as me and i feel sorry for you.

Paradox: can't leave you alone. who's the weak one here? you're p-p-poison to me and i love every bit (most of the time)

Flake: yuck. you're gross and i realize how completely vapid and ignorant you are now. it only took YEARS OF ME BEING DIRECTLY EXPOSED TO IT

Rock: oh you're my best friend and you're so pure and happy...people want you to come out and chill with us but i don't want you exposed to that, i feel like your mom would find out. i'm at this point where i want both things at the same time and i dont know what i can do. for now you're supportive of me and it's so powerful to have a real person around, to compete a little with, to set me straight.

mostly i still want to please absolutely everyone and keep a bright and shiny reputation, and somehow be mysterious at the same time!