All that jazz...

jazz is my kind of music. when i listen, i can just close my eyes, and situations clear themselves up. see if you can interpret

from tonight: hit the road jack, and don't come back no more no more no more

from a story i read: "I love you," she said, "And don't ever come back."

from the kaiser chiefs: I can just imagine you and me, running out of steam, going through the motions. and i have no idea how you know when i dip my toes in other people's oceans

from the hives: find yourself another girl, one who'll love you true true true, find yourself another girl, who'll save her love and kisses just for you...

mostly i need to think about a lot of things. i need to stop making excuses for people and stop living in the delusional world that i love. things aren't always lollipops and rainbows. i realized that if anyone else had the weekend i had, they would consider it a bad weekend. like six TERRIBLE things happened to me, and i didn't even really notice.

fuck. im so numb to what happens around me

i'm so stiff and orderly with most of what i do too. i have to tell my body to relax when in a relaxed situation. when i go to sleep i find myself clenching my muscles and face and worrying...
i need to stop worrying.
i almost had a heart attack today

fierce

fierce fierce fierce, all the time.

i like-a you

i think this is a good time for one of these. thanks KD (LD)

likes
toasty beds, running at night, deep conversation, boys with names starting with j, affection, poetry (a recent development), music, sharpies, letters in the mail, phonecalls from people i care about for no reason, being missed, literature, bright colors (jewel-like), going fast, laughing about nothing

dislikes
being sick, the word no, smoking (kind of), worrying about money, people leaving me, silence, birds, being treated condescendingly, bugs

putting my worries in a jar

things the typical teenage girl might worry about:
am i pretty enough
will i get good grades
why isnt my hard work enough to get good grades
why dont i have more friends
i really need a job...
to pay for college
and buy things
i just want to sleep
when can i relax here!?
why dont i have a boyfriend
should i be worrying about the environment?
theres not enough time to do my assignment
what if my terrible grades dont get me in to college
am i spending too much on clothes instead of saving for college?
why cant i have a nap
when will this all end?
why cant i please everyone...

i'll be the best fake girlfriend you'll ever have!

indeed. three people think we're dating. maybe more. three have asked. but we're not! so hah. i fooled you. it was a clever ruse to make you think im not all ouchy and evil inside.

i made a list today. i dont know how to explain it
altoids, rain, jimi, photographs that are well taken, old metal music, anything military, cargo pants, physics, math, summer...

i'm talking to chris on the phone

i hate one person very much and people are all angry at me because i enforce rules. soooo what. i had a very bad day because of that. augh i hate people

i had so much to say today that i was like "oh. i'm gonna write this down because it upsets me" or whatnot. but i've forgotten

every sentence in this blog started with "i"

I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby

i stay remembering my dreams though.

...i was at a party with this girl i dont like, let's call her fishface. she was sitting on this couch and really drunk and looking sick so i asked her how she was...

...i was walking through some dark forest of life with my friends, two of which i know for sure were there. we kept passing stores but never the same one, and i know we were walking but i could see things from this kind of gliding float...

...i recieved two letters from a friend of mine that i'm expecting...

straaaaange. symbolism? i hope the letters mean something. i wonder what...vague vague vague thats all i ever am. all this talk about bad relationships that people should get out of gets me pointed stares and conversation shifted to my problems and how i should cut it off. i thought that in the beginning but things have changed, they have! "bekka he only wants one thing" well yeah. we're in high school, are you saying all guys are expecting to marry the girl theyre dating? dont be a hypocrite, you and i both know, as well as the rest of the world, that it's bs and another friend of ours wants it too, but you don't call him on that.

one mississippi two mississipi three....thats not a real relationship you guys, and i HIGHLY doubt that back of the bus shenanigans have any value once we're gone.
truth or dare?
truth- what in the world are you doing with yourself
dare- i dare you to be honest and mean it.

so confused...

ey yo old man

i love my grandfather. he called just now

grampy:HEY
me:...?
g:how'r you?
m: oh! i'm fine, how are you?
g: still walkin...
m: *nervous laughter* oh that's good!
g: where's your father at?
m: he's in the basement, do you want me to-
g: the danceroom? what the hell is he doing there?!
m:oh, no, the basement
g: danceroom?
m:BASEMENT
g:the basement? what is he? a gopher?

Frowning Practice

i've got it down, i can frown! it took a lot of practice, but i can deliver a real upside down smile now! now ive got to work on turning it rightside up and doing it quickly

this is the most dangerous point, when i tell myself that i can take the poison, that i'm a strong person. person and poison are pretty similar. what am i saying?? oh i'll just drink it with some sugar and i'll be fine....

once upon a time there was a circus bear that rode around on a tricycle all day. he was actually a man, put under a spell by an ugly witch with long greasy hair. she was trying to make him fall in love with her, but her fickleness with other guys had made him vow never to let her trap him again. so the spell backfired and sent her to hell and turned her flavor of the week crush into a circus bear. he had a long lasting friendship with a female tiger, and when the time was right, they mauled the ring leader.