another list

i make so many

these things are reminders of days past
fight club (pausing it midway through to focus on other things), blue comforters and slanty ceilings, the navy, similing genuine smiles, laughter! (god forbid), maxim over the phone, dead baby jokes!, ben & jerry's phish food, just...talking for hours, green grass in the summer, shared interests...
and then dead silence...deader than any dead baby.

but i like the other hand too...the other hand likes me too

momma bear

i love to listen to my friends. i want to save them from their problems, i want them to be happy... meanwhile i've been great, everything is going my way, so much so that it seems unfair

being happy is so...plain

now that i'm happy i don't feel like writing.
oh god. what a terrible notion...as i think about it...
oh well...

just a puddle of goo

i sicken myself...i've fallen for real! i held out so long, sooo long and its all over, i've lost. love has won, i'm one of the masses that can't stop thinking about one single person.

augh, i will remain bekka, i promise that.

come on and play with us

i feel like people are calling me from outside my window to come out and play. i want to go out and play but i can't...i'm not allowed out!

i love listening to jazz and having my back rubbed and being so close to someone i can hear their heartbeat. god. how intimate it is listening to someone's heart thump thump thump. you've gotten through that physical boundary. you're in their bubble. and they trust you. so much comes down to trust, whether it be blind and oblivious, or intentionally tearing down the walls. it's trust. you can't sell trust you can't buy it, it has to be earned. i can't decide whether people are giving up trust to early or not. i love earning it and being held, i just as vunerable as they.

the simplest things have given me pleasure lately. and the complex things are difficult and just so easy to ignore...to put off until another day...

such a tease. except to the one that came back. i fell so hard and so quick for that one that it was he who teased me...i like being tricky but only if it's in good fun, i'd cry if i actually hurt someone.

thing's i've come to realize

don't take people's actions seriously when they're drunk. they may act one way but actually feel another way

there's a sneaky person in my life who dropped off the map for awhile then contacted me out of the blue and i'm not adequately prepared to talk to them

night is the best time of day, but you can never really remember much of what happens, which blows.

i like to drive fast...

some anonymous messages

i know most of these will never find their origins. ah, well.

90's soap opera: dude take a chill pill. i want to be there for you because you act like you're hiding the fact that you're unhappy. it's okay! if i were in your situation, i'd do the exact same thing and it would probably be a sobfest on the daily.

coal-eyes: i hope things work about between you and that girl. you deserve it. i want to know you better, and then maybe decide if i should like you. as of right now you're an attractive smile. i'm really not that pressed about you.

ArnoldFriend: you're going to become just like the guy in that story if you don't watch where you're going. you have the potential to be nice, why cant i get to see it? you'll just be an old fiend hiding behind a mask, stealing little girls from their homes

Tyrant: i don't really hate you. i hate what you do, and the way you talk to me, and the way you and your friends scrutinize me and pretend that i don't see. but i understand that you're not as mature as me and i feel sorry for you.

Paradox: can't leave you alone. who's the weak one here? you're p-p-poison to me and i love every bit (most of the time)

Flake: yuck. you're gross and i realize how completely vapid and ignorant you are now. it only took YEARS OF ME BEING DIRECTLY EXPOSED TO IT

Rock: oh you're my best friend and you're so pure and happy...people want you to come out and chill with us but i don't want you exposed to that, i feel like your mom would find out. i'm at this point where i want both things at the same time and i dont know what i can do. for now you're supportive of me and it's so powerful to have a real person around, to compete a little with, to set me straight.

mostly i still want to please absolutely everyone and keep a bright and shiny reputation, and somehow be mysterious at the same time!

All that jazz...

jazz is my kind of music. when i listen, i can just close my eyes, and situations clear themselves up. see if you can interpret

from tonight: hit the road jack, and don't come back no more no more no more

from a story i read: "I love you," she said, "And don't ever come back."

from the kaiser chiefs: I can just imagine you and me, running out of steam, going through the motions. and i have no idea how you know when i dip my toes in other people's oceans

from the hives: find yourself another girl, one who'll love you true true true, find yourself another girl, who'll save her love and kisses just for you...

mostly i need to think about a lot of things. i need to stop making excuses for people and stop living in the delusional world that i love. things aren't always lollipops and rainbows. i realized that if anyone else had the weekend i had, they would consider it a bad weekend. like six TERRIBLE things happened to me, and i didn't even really notice.

fuck. im so numb to what happens around me

i'm so stiff and orderly with most of what i do too. i have to tell my body to relax when in a relaxed situation. when i go to sleep i find myself clenching my muscles and face and worrying...
i need to stop worrying.
i almost had a heart attack today

fierce

fierce fierce fierce, all the time.

i like-a you

i think this is a good time for one of these. thanks KD (LD)

likes
toasty beds, running at night, deep conversation, boys with names starting with j, affection, poetry (a recent development), music, sharpies, letters in the mail, phonecalls from people i care about for no reason, being missed, literature, bright colors (jewel-like), going fast, laughing about nothing

dislikes
being sick, the word no, smoking (kind of), worrying about money, people leaving me, silence, birds, being treated condescendingly, bugs

putting my worries in a jar

things the typical teenage girl might worry about:
am i pretty enough
will i get good grades
why isnt my hard work enough to get good grades
why dont i have more friends
i really need a job...
to pay for college
and buy things
i just want to sleep
when can i relax here!?
why dont i have a boyfriend
should i be worrying about the environment?
theres not enough time to do my assignment
what if my terrible grades dont get me in to college
am i spending too much on clothes instead of saving for college?
why cant i have a nap
when will this all end?
why cant i please everyone...

i'll be the best fake girlfriend you'll ever have!

indeed. three people think we're dating. maybe more. three have asked. but we're not! so hah. i fooled you. it was a clever ruse to make you think im not all ouchy and evil inside.

i made a list today. i dont know how to explain it
altoids, rain, jimi, photographs that are well taken, old metal music, anything military, cargo pants, physics, math, summer...

i'm talking to chris on the phone

i hate one person very much and people are all angry at me because i enforce rules. soooo what. i had a very bad day because of that. augh i hate people

i had so much to say today that i was like "oh. i'm gonna write this down because it upsets me" or whatnot. but i've forgotten

every sentence in this blog started with "i"

I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby

i stay remembering my dreams though.

...i was at a party with this girl i dont like, let's call her fishface. she was sitting on this couch and really drunk and looking sick so i asked her how she was...

...i was walking through some dark forest of life with my friends, two of which i know for sure were there. we kept passing stores but never the same one, and i know we were walking but i could see things from this kind of gliding float...

...i recieved two letters from a friend of mine that i'm expecting...

straaaaange. symbolism? i hope the letters mean something. i wonder what...vague vague vague thats all i ever am. all this talk about bad relationships that people should get out of gets me pointed stares and conversation shifted to my problems and how i should cut it off. i thought that in the beginning but things have changed, they have! "bekka he only wants one thing" well yeah. we're in high school, are you saying all guys are expecting to marry the girl theyre dating? dont be a hypocrite, you and i both know, as well as the rest of the world, that it's bs and another friend of ours wants it too, but you don't call him on that.

one mississippi two mississipi three....thats not a real relationship you guys, and i HIGHLY doubt that back of the bus shenanigans have any value once we're gone.
truth or dare?
truth- what in the world are you doing with yourself
dare- i dare you to be honest and mean it.

so confused...

ey yo old man

i love my grandfather. he called just now

grampy:HEY
me:...?
g:how'r you?
m: oh! i'm fine, how are you?
g: still walkin...
m: *nervous laughter* oh that's good!
g: where's your father at?
m: he's in the basement, do you want me to-
g: the danceroom? what the hell is he doing there?!
m:oh, no, the basement
g: danceroom?
m:BASEMENT
g:the basement? what is he? a gopher?

Frowning Practice

i've got it down, i can frown! it took a lot of practice, but i can deliver a real upside down smile now! now ive got to work on turning it rightside up and doing it quickly

this is the most dangerous point, when i tell myself that i can take the poison, that i'm a strong person. person and poison are pretty similar. what am i saying?? oh i'll just drink it with some sugar and i'll be fine....

once upon a time there was a circus bear that rode around on a tricycle all day. he was actually a man, put under a spell by an ugly witch with long greasy hair. she was trying to make him fall in love with her, but her fickleness with other guys had made him vow never to let her trap him again. so the spell backfired and sent her to hell and turned her flavor of the week crush into a circus bear. he had a long lasting friendship with a female tiger, and when the time was right, they mauled the ring leader.

RED BULL ADVENTURE

i'm ready to have a red bull adventure
i think tomorrow i'm going to buy like a case and get everyone hyped up.
ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?
are you ready for bekka to make a fool of herself trying to dance? YES

When did your heart go missing

I'm too amazing to be loved by just one person anyway. My friends have really stepped up and made me happy again, made me laugh and realize that there are things bigger than me in this world. people who dont even know what happened make me feel better just by being themselves

maybe i was wrong about ava. maybe there are real people after all, not just gossiping backstabbers. even the gossiping backstabber have souls that are deeper than they initially seem.

love you guys,
thanks.
b

update!

original
Dear YOU-I'm so sorry. I am. you'll never read this, i know, unless somehow you get word of it through the grapevine. even then i doubt you'd deign to look at something i've written. but my secret? i kept your memoir. i can't read it. not now, not for a few years. but i'm going to keep it for a long time because i feel it's important to you. i wronged you more than once. you didn't really deserve it. i hate to tell myself that things could have been different, but only because i know it isn't true. our stubbornness made us this way. lovers or enemies there can't be any in between. i debate late at night whether i'm going to contact you in a few years...i don't know if i could do it.i love/hate you.muffy.

new
dear you
i'm not sorry
i'm going to burn your memoir
you wronged me back. we're even now
i was right about the no in between part.
and now we're enemies.
i do hate you
i dont care right now if you contact me- ever
my name is bekka.

Poison

It's stockholm syndrome i've got.
you ingest a poison for so long that your body becomes immune to it
like a drug- you know it's bad for you but you can't stop yourself
you fall down the well and can't get out

well...
i've been rescued and reuinited with my family
i've taken the antidote
i'm quitting cold turkey
and
someone just threw me a ladder...

this has been on my mind recently
poison? antidote. poison? antidote

we'll see what happens in a more long term setting.

it doesnt hurt that i get a wink and a smile today: "i gotta leave you baby..." yeah, but you only mean for today, i'll see you tomorrow. some people mean for ever and ever. who knows bud, maybe i'll give you a chance now that i can...if interest continues...
i dont want to chase...i want to run and be pursued. if i can't be pursued, i'll just run. that'll make me happy

Halfcrazy

my mind's gone halfcrazy and i can't leave you alone...

yes. it is possible to have an emotional affair. it hurts just as bad as if you were kissing someone else. it hurts very badly.

Dandelion Crown

I remember that day. It was warm and sunny...school was ending soon, it was May. we all sat on the ground under the tree which is now gone, next to the building that will soon be demolished and replaced with a parking lot. i don't like to eat outside or even be outside most days...but that day was so beautiful and everyone was enjoying the warmth and sunshine...

i'm sure i lay down, or sat and had my hair played with while my friends around me made dandelion crowns...i don't know if i asked them for a crown or if they just decided i was a fitting princess for the day...but the crowns wound up on my head, shep snapping pictures of the group.

i remember being dared to walk to class with my crowns...and i did, even forgetting they were there...changing for gym and leaving them hanging on my locker...i felt really special that day, like people cared for me and wanted me to feel special...

The Past

I have these little flings every few months. I fall head over heels and wind up hurt. I meet these wonderful guys and then poof- no contact ever again.

The worst part is finding old messages between us. Knowing that even though i don't hold a grudge or even desire to be with them again, that we'll never speak. It sucks. These messages are so false to me...god. it breaks my fucking heart. ugh. i'm so angry that i can't have a simple friendship with these guys. it lasts a month- two max, then boom. over. so final. and then i get that feeling of "my god, i'm really repulsive. what did i do?"

i havent found out yet.

Maybe I'll give em the WINK

i may give someone the wink next week. i think it's good practice

i want to learn how to swing dance and learn more about jazz. it's a revolution, not just a genre.

relationships are 80% thinking about someone. percieving. 20% is actually being around the person, if even that percentage.

what in the world is going on?

Yes. I do mean business

Wow. today i was in control of about 70 people. it's one thing to be in front of an audience giving a demonstration, but they can choose to ignore it. today, everyone was literally waiting for my command. my people, some older than me, most younger, were listening for my voice and my instruction. how cool. and they followed. obedient. god i want to rule the world. it's amazing.

another seperate thing. i love messages on my phone. message saved for 14 days? that's okay, i'll listen to it when i wake up and twice before i fall asleep. at least. depending on the message. i've been left some awful swell messages in my lifetime and i wish i had a catalogue of all of them. they make my day. i know them by heart. i analyze them. once i had an especially nice message where, for the first five or so times, i swear the person on the other end was saying "oh...my juliet". when i found out what they were really saying in such wanting tones, i was still okay. i'd like to think he was saying "oh...my juliet"



and a last thing. i miss him. i miss my boyfriend so much. just talking to him. on the phone, online... i can count the minutes i've been on AIM on one hand since he's been gone, there's really no point unless he's online. i want to tell him the stories of my week before i seriously powertrip and lose all my glorious control. i want to discuss things... i wish he were here so much...

Talking to me

i'm actually considering making a sign and putting it on me that says "DON'T SPEAK TO ME" in very hostile writing.

maybe my mother would get it while i'm at the computer, watching tv, listening to music (with headphones, or most of all, READING, that i don't want to be disturbed. especially if she's already yelled at me once that day and i REALLY dont want to be speaking to her.

A Homemade Video

i made a video on my phone today. i was trapped in my new school with a girl i know. we were starting to freak out because we couldn't leave without serious consequences. we started believing we COULD NOT leave without ruining the summer of a bunch of band dorks.

the weirdest part of the video is when the girl trapped with me finds a paper shredder in the room while i'm narrarating to the camera and every time she puts it in, i look away. i get extremely distracted and look extremely ADD.
people call me ADD all the time. i'm not. CWAZI

Boys and other things

what has interested me today?
this has
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1770316
seen it thrice

a: i don't think he knows how good looking he is
b: yeah he does. he knows. he's a womanizer
a: :-O

on the same subject-ish. i was watching some stupid reality show a few days ago and someone said
"i know what you're saying. everyone has been in a relationship where they love the other person more and know it. it hurts so much to know that."
i thought about it

i'm beginning to think thats how my love life has been recently

why is pudding so delicious but so awkward to talk about? i hate that word. it makes me shudder and feel creepy. if anyone ever calls me "puddin", i may have to break up with them (reguardless of if we're going out) and make myself take numerous showers. of acid. yuck

quotes

moved these from my facebook so i can put new ones up.

TP:ill show you my elven crafted sword ;-)

TP:" i'm making sausages and rubbing an accordion on myself"

TP: if only purple balloons could love me back

Me: What's for dinner?Dad: Mexicans

Mother: Do you have pockets on?

Tattoo your soul with rock and roll

Me: My dad dragged me out to a grocery store past Annandale. Why? HE'S CRAZY
VB: Its an adventure. Maybe your secretly going to mexico to capture the wild tacos that live there.
VB: We're not canoodling. We are running away to mexico
Me: THEY HAVE TACOS THERE I BET! I'M COMING TOO

CE: Who even wear pajamas anymore?
BL: I wear pajama bottoms
VB: Yeah me too!
ZL(?): I like to sleep in the nude

random southern kid: I'm gon burn like a peach tree

Dreams

so recently i've had some pretty bizzare dreams. freaky dreams. dreams with demons and set in hell. or purgatory, i can't figure out which yet. it usually takes me a day to realize how weird they are and usually i've forgotten about them.

the night before last, between like 2 and 10am maybe, i had a dream that i was at some kind of softball practice or camp. whatever it was, there were guys involved too. this one particular runner at second base (i was at first) kept turning around and catching the ball when i threw that direction. without a glove. that was the first thing that freaked me out. i can see him in my mind' eye right now, red shirt, white blonde hair shaved close to his head. a pale kid, not much older than me. i think he had blue eyes. i only include this description because after he did this twice, someone reprimanded him. it may have even been me. "Lucifer, stop" freaky? i didn't think so when i woke up, but i definately did later in the day when i put it all together.

last night's dream was actually pretty neat. i was in some decrepit house and went to the second floor. upstairs was some kind of guy with a beard (merlin-like) and he and someone i can't recall were trying to find something in my room that would make this trumpet case open for me without touching it. to open it by magic would open a kind of portal elsewhere. the case was on my bed (i guess it was my bed) and there was a drumset in my room, also a trumpet eventually. i think i was worried about my journey because it was my first time going so i kept asking if i should get high to go. they said, with hesitation, no, that i should try without being high first. eventually i coaxed the trumpet case open with the trumpet, like a snake charmer. i climbed in and fell.

weirdly enough, i was wearing a big poofy dress to aid my fall. i found that if i thought too much about falling, i would drop like a stone. the weirdest part about the fall is that it was identical to alice's before she finds wonderland. i know i flipped a few times which was cool. but it was real, the shelves and lamps and everything in the animated alice in wonderland i saw.

somehow i got down and somehow ended up in the hallways of minnie howard. everything was darker and there were strange phrases above the classroom doors. it was crowded, and i saw people i recognized, but they were dressed darkly with strange makeup i guess. i went to one opening in the hallway and saw the cool IT guy that worked at minnie howard (he's real tall with dreads). we spoke about something and he knew i shouldn't have died yet. that he died in 1998. i was telling him about something i might bring him but he didn't understand because that model hadn't been invented yet or something. then i left and continued walking through the hall.

at some point i saw virginia's boyfriend, paul, sprint past me. i tried to get his attention, but he kept going. he sprinted toward me again later, and i called out to him "paul, are you high?" and he nodded. he had his lips made up like people do when they want to look like skeletons.

then it gets fuzzy and really weird. i was in my elementary school then, at the junction of the hall and the library. there was a librarian standing there, looking all nice and matronly. a kid runs from in front of us to behind her, and takes something out of her sock...i know this sounds weird. i kept yelling at her that someone just came by and took something from her, but she didn't react...so i chased him into the library into the computer lab. he was sitting in a chair and i think i was in charge of what happened here. he took out this baseball sized milky orb from his pocket. it was her soul. everyone has two apparently, like kidneys. when he died he lost that one, and that was obvious to me, considering where we were. i didn't see his motive for stealing this woman's soul, but when i took it away from him he was sent somewhere i didn't know about. apparently he had sold his other soul. then i woke up

Ouch

This was going to be a rant about hypocritical assholes. but me, being the level headed person that i am (read: weak), decided against it. it'll happen though.

what hurts (hence the title "ouch") me most is when someone i care about (even love) says "hey. bekka. this thing you love? yeah. i hate it. with a firey passion. and i don't know why. i just do. no, i'm not going to explain anything about it, but it sucks nuts."
what i get out of that is
"bekka. i hate you. with a firey passion. your interests? complete shit! you'd be better off sitting quietly in a corner, being miserable. people like you when you're miserable. you're really fucking ugly when you smile."

wow. i guess that did turn into a rant. hey you know...maybe i'll do something about it! oh, you know, i won't. i'll just hide what i'm skilled at under the rug. i'll be like those pretty kids in movies that are secretly smart. minus the pretty. minus the smart. but still with shame.

Childhood

when i was a child, i know i could remember so many things. i knew nursery rhymes front to back, i knew rules of made up games. i knew every song in any disney movie i owned. where has all that information gone? i remember parts of nursery rhymes...i can't remember all the cartoons i used to watch or the name of every character in every movie. did my brain just toss this stuff out, deciding it was useless? i wish i remembered this stuff. i don't know why. i wonder if, when i become a parent, if i'll remember things with my children then. what's really horrifying is that the stories may even change. why can't i tell the three billy goat's gruff anymore (i cant remember that story very well either...)

my mom tells me that she used to read me hamlet and i could recite a certain scene ad nauseum. i wish i remembered any hamlet now. i used to count my cherrios in groups of four. how cool was that? i wish i remembered. apparently, i had a lot of potential.

a lot of times i feel like finding an old children's book and reading it. it's so refreshing and nostalgic. i miss winnie the pooh. so much

Missing

I feel like it's weird that when i'm missing a person, i never think of the analogy "missing a piece in the puzzle" as a matter of fact, does anyone? people feel empty without their significant others, right? i don't...i feel like this person isn't with me and that i'd like to be with them. god. what a ramble.

i laugh at other people's misfortune. kind of. it's really funny when people fall down the stairs. for some reason, i brought this up in the presence of my cousin, and she agreed. otherwise, we have nothing in common. one time my mother fell up the steps and i was watching out the front window. she was upset because she spilled our smoothies. some people would say i'm sadistic. others know me better.

i like going fast. in cars playing the ramones at ungodly hours of the night, on a jetski hopping waves. i never knew this about myself. god. it's amazing. i thought it was fun when other people were in control, but when i'm put in charge of speed, my love is stronger.

looking back on the previous few nights, i realize that i'm an idiot and have made some huge mistakes. i shouldn't have done some things that put me and others in danger. put my reputation at risk. or lost trust with my parents.

Telephone

I talk on the phone a lot. but i can't stand when someone gets the wrong number and gets pissed off at me about it. you're the one who misdialed, has a friend who doesn't know their number, or were given the wrong number because you were rejected.

(this isn't about the prank calls i get- those are a different matter entirely)

Your sarcasm isn't helping you either buddy. This is an example of a phone call i just got.

ringring
Me:Hello?
Person: Hi. James?
Me: Uh no, I think you have the wrong number.
Person: Ida? [by the way, who is named Ida anymore?]
Me: No, I don't know who you're talking about. You have the wrong number.
Person: Oh. [in a clipped voice filled with contempt.]
click.

I'm always polite, but another time i politely told someone they had the wrong number and they said "Sure." like i was lying to them and hiding whoever they were looking for. meanies :(

Keys

everyone's set of keys makes a different noise. i think it is so cool that you can idenitfy someone by the familiar jingle of their keys

V for Victory

I don't think there's a better feeling of superiority than deleting someone from your phone when they've upset you beyond reason. Or maybe you've upset them and you're letting go. Well i let go and maybe they'll learn their lesson that I'm not needy, not clingy, and you know what? fuck them!

Thought of the day:
If you wrote a novel that convinced the world to have an interest in reading again and had become rich beyond reason already, would you sacrifice the popularity of the written word that had been doing fine solo to become a major motion picture? I don't think i would. you've already turned the world into readers again...why ruin it by taking out the reading and imagination part and going straight to theaters? i don't know.

Crystal Ship

Dear you,
I like hanging out with you. I think we're perfectly awkward around each other. It's like we're comfortable but not to ourselves. When our eyes meet it isn't okay, it's weird because something needs to be said. but it's okay that neither of us say it. we forget until the next time. it's cool that we joke about each other and it's even cooler how neither of us can take it seriously. i don't know if this is how true friendship is supposed to be, or if we're on the brink of something more. we've been at the something more before, why didn't that last? together we're just so comfortable and it may be too comfortable. a relationship may need more than that, some excitement. i'm rambling. i don't doubt that if i grabbed your hand at any time when we're together, it'd be okay. but neither of us want to do it first...we can't. your hinting is more subtle than most, and i kind of want you to come out and say what you want. while you're at it say what i want too. because i have no idea

i want to be a 20th century fox. :-/

i want to be a 50's pinup :-/

New

ah. to blog. this is for me

Cherries
I want to sit
and let the juice
drip
down my fingers onto my dress
alone or with you
it doesn't really matter

cherries have the prettiest color i ever see...theyre so delicious and romantic when they stain lips and fingertips. if i could make it into a sweet thick purple red ink i would...

Dear YOU-
I'm so sorry. I am. you'll never read this, i know, unless somehow you get word of it through the grapevine. even then i doubt you'd deign to look at something i've written. but my secret? i kept your memoir. i can't read it. not now, not for a few years. but i'm going to keep it for a long time because i feel it's important to you. i wronged you more than once. you didn't really deserve it. i hate to tell myself that things could have been different, but only because i know it isn't true. our stubbornness made us this way. lovers or enemies there can't be any in between. i debate late at night whether i'm going to contact you in a few years...i don't know if i could do it.
i love/hate you.
muffy.